I feel as though something is missing. I seem to fill my life with food, drugs, sex, and denial. I begin to believe that I am doing and feeling better than I actually am. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I miss my close friends and people who actually like to have me around. I tell myself I am happy but I continue to be negative once I am trapped in my own head. I need sometime of cleansing. I have started going to church recently and it has been really rewarding. Not all the Jesus and God shit… Just listening to the Pastor and realizing that I am not alone. Its also a loving place and it has been so long since I have been able to feel actual love. Its weird that I have not been able to understand it in so long. In actuality I think it is the thing that I fear the most. I believe I can trust people but I usually expect the worse because that is what always happens. I lost zero weight I feel ugly. I need a cute ass guy that’s a chubby chaser to love me. Yea I’m being superficial too, but I feel like I deserve the best. When I see photos of myself I want to cry because I do not accept who I have become.