I just need to get a few things out. I realize now that I need to be more productive in my life. I feel as though I just let things happen without thinking about the implications, until after the fact. I always rant about the same things because I don’t know how to make the changes. I honestly think that I am truly awakened and think about the intricacies of life too delicately. I spend more time thinking and living in fear of the possibilities. I obsess over the things I cannot control and neglect those that I can. I am just talking in circles again. Either way I wana say that the New Year is just that. It isn’t some magical cosmic revelation that grants people a new beginning. You are always the same person regardless of the year, day, etc. Things don’t just happen magically. We are responsible for what we do. Yes, our interactions influence our mood, but because we allow them to. Everything is subjective. Wake up this New Year or wake up mid year or even today. Look around and ask why?

It’s weird that I don’t even feel like home. What is home? How come I can’t feel like I belong? I wonder what’s missing. I can only be grateful that I am here and have seen those I cared about really. Even though in Humboldt I feel out of place too, I just think being here and alone makes me just want to be back in my own room and house.

I feel as though something is missing. I seem to fill my life with food, drugs, sex, and denial. I begin to believe that I am doing and feeling better than I actually am. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I miss my close friends and people who actually like to have me around. I tell myself I am happy but I continue to be negative once I am trapped in my own head. I need sometime of cleansing. I have started going to church recently and it has been really rewarding. Not all the Jesus and God shit… Just listening to the Pastor and realizing that I am not alone. Its also a loving place and it has been so long since I have been able to feel actual love. Its weird that I have not been able to understand it in so long. In actuality I think it is the thing that I fear the most. I believe I can trust people but I usually expect the worse because that is what always happens. I lost zero weight I feel ugly. I need a cute ass guy that’s a chubby chaser to love me. Yea I’m being superficial too, but I feel like I deserve the best. When I see photos of myself I want to cry because I do not accept who I have become.